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I’m still growing up=DD
I just want to feeel, experience and connect with human's emotions.
Beliefs stem from past experiences. They arent facts, they arent true. I will break boundaries by going out of my comfort zones. . I know whats the number one thing thats important to me. – the people who love me… Goals are there, for us to reach and realise and considerations are meant to be overcome. Relationships are meant for us to experience the purity of giving without asking for any returns, and love is not love until it is given away.
I feel empowered, enlightened and energised. I wanna face life with courage, compassion and love and livecooly.
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about this blog
This blog is opened to keep me there in your life as I fly to a faraway place, away from the comfort of your smiles.Jinzhi is currently reading Mathematics with Economics at University College London. tagboard
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Design: doughnutcrazyIcon: morphine_kissed Do credit accordingly if you changed the icon. |
14 days down, 16 more days to go
I feel so LOST. I cant believe that I have exams when I return to school in january next yr.. I dont really know how I should plan my time cuz i feel like a loser studying at home when I am back in SG and ironically i face the exact same situation in london when I am not sure why I am studying when i am studying and why I am not studying when I am not studying. I did everything else except mugging sufficiently and I guess i seriously need to study when i m home but isnt it just too retarded to do so. =x and i dont really know WHY I am questioning why i AM studying when i AM studying. somehow i just feel like chilling til the last week and chiong 4 papers in 4 days. It sucks cuz profs and tutors really MIA during holidays and not as if i can pick up a phone or email anyone to ask for help when I cant seem to comprehend or untangled some really insane statements. I have one whole A4 paper of questions to ask actually, sigh. I love analysis, logic, and to a certain extent linear algebra but sometimes i hate them for their insanity. And, I cant really appreciate the dynamics of volunteerism in the uk, or rather why do we have to pay to be volunteers. I don't really udnerstand why giving our hearts to people who need them requires such hefty sums. Oh yeah I went all the way to bid for a swaziland project that will last 3.5 months as a project coordinator and kena rejected. I knew i performed badly during the group discussion after feeling intimidated by the accented english speaking people but I thought my performance at the 1 hour long interview was able to compensate for it and become the first asian in the team. Apparently not, and i felt so disappointed because out of all the stuffs that i am able to do in summer I FELT and FEEEEEL for this the most and yeah I happily rejected ISVP and the climbing trip. I feeel EMPTY. crap. But I have one last option: pay the hefty sum which may amount to 2k POUNDS and be a volunteer under the same project that i bidded for to be a PC. (PC need not pay the project fee by the way) or be a loser and spend 2k sing to return home (because I cant find anything to do with my life) or be extraordinary and pioneer extraordinary stuffs . By the way I really Dont understand why is everything so expensive and why I am financially restricted in my pursuit. Money is such a !@*^($_#@#+!#*(*%& annoying part of life now and for some reason or another i TOTALLY dont feel like spending a single cent in sg considering the fact that I have spent like INSANELY alot in london. spending is so painful suddenly and I am amazed by how much bo bian and social stuffs I have spent on. and the key word here is BO BIAN. sighs. But some things like money dosent replenish, they only deplete when you dont have a stream of income coming in and I need to do serious reflections on "life always give us a choice to choose". no such things as 'bo bian' from next yr onwards.=x Met up with ex-colleague today and took a really nice and long bus ride home. And suddenly I wonder if humanity brought more happiness or pain, and someone shared this with me before: people have that great ability to hurt but a greater ability to forgive. I need to get in touch with people and the bigger world, and guess wad, I hate myself for not reading the economists on time as well as keeping myself abreast to singapore news, news that matters to me as a singaporean. 14 days down and 16 more days to go. Time flies, half a year down and 3.5 more years to go. time will just pass like as if it neva existed and yeah I will live at the moment and treasure everything before me, and before time takes them all away from me. When mornings, afternoons and nights become defined.
you know wad? I dont wanna leave anymore. As i look out of my window yesterday, now and later, i just want to savour this breath-taking moment, nothing spectacular, nothing special, just blocks and blocks of HDB flats but it made me feel so warm at heart because I know i am home.. It was strange yesterday when i just touched down and had breakfast at the market. I felt weird, i felt surreal, and everything felt funny. Had I got used to the london streets, the london people and their way of life that somehow I just couldn understand what is happening before me? yeah i felt strange but nevertheless, I am so happy to be back, that inexplicable sense of euphoria just never seem to cease. Changed out into big shirt and fbt and I looked myself in the mirror, its been long since I wore so little, felt so carefree, so at home, so safe and so happy. .. I looked into the eyes of my mother, hugged her tight and told her how much i missed her , you noe, the feeling of being at home, of being somewhere where you truly belong, of being over a roof where you know you will be protected and loved, its amazing. I had fun in london, i did. I forged amazing friendships with people, I enjoy what I am studying, I have everything, I am so fortunate, I am so lucky, I am so blessed and I know I have no right to complain, not at all. BUT SIAN, I found myself in lots of uncomfortable situations, helpless at times, gaowei at things that i rather not know, and I wonder why am I trying so hard. yep, got kinda suppressed in social situations, longing to be free-ed and just throw myself back to where i started. Best friends are all over the world, miles apart and suddenly I feel SAD that I have to go through so many more goodbyes, and i need to learn how to deal with it actually cuz it hurts me lots.:( and i realise maybe i dont like change after all even though I never had a routine in london, which make me kinda screwed up with wadeva i am doing. What twelve weeks I had. Studies, how unimportant can it be? freaking important. no first class, nothing to talk liao. parents sad, i sad, psc gg with me. And guess what, this trip back, i only brought a small hand-carry luggage back and 3/4 of it was filled with books and notes. I wanna ace my papers in january but someone i am not sure why I am not so determined to... i guess more than anything else, i wanna spend time with friends and family, enjoy their company before all is over:( but oh wells. I WILL STUDY, i PROMISE. anyway studying rocks, studying math is love:) I enjoy being bathed in the warmth of the tropical sun where mornings are filled with the sounds of chirping birds, where afternoons are so peaceful and real, where nights allow emotions and feelings to run. I dont know why mornings, afternoons and nights are so defined in sg, maybe I am just so used to the sounds and serenity of my environment that nowhere can replicate them to define my mornings, afternoons and nights. Oh my tian, I wish time will stop here=x and I am off to study my linear mapping, its insane. 当我要回家了。。。
我不知道为什么要回家了，我却突然感到害怕。 我是多么期待回到属于自己的家，多么期待与青梅竹马重逢，多么想拥抱爸妈。。 或许，我更害怕再次的离别，因为再次地相遇不就代表着更痛苦的离别吗？ 或许，我更害怕受到失望，因为我未必会见到我想念的她和她。 我回来了，他们却不见踪影。 或许，我更害怕四个礼拜后， 我没有珍惜在家的滋味， 没有享受够家的温暖，朋友地陪伴。 或许，我根本就不应该回家。。。 回想起九月二十号所发生的事，离别的确是痛苦的。我哭了，我不知道自己为什么会有那种勇气离开那属于自己的地方。闯了三个月，做了许多喜欢和不喜欢的事，听了好多没听过的事，看了好看与不好看的事，受了好过与不好过的事，到最后问了自己， 何必呢？ 我庆欣曾近地拥有，因为或许没有什么是永远的。但我希望能拥有一个不灭的蜡烛，那梦与希望就会永远燃烧着。 Been really busy
I have to post this before i sleep.smile and the world will say cheese love and humanity will be loved feel and lives will be touched. Listen to your heart, it smiles, loves & feels. ~ one life. Live it. Love it. Share it. ~ 3rd week. its been fine:)
I cant believe but I have lived here for 3 weeks and counting. Sometimes it just seems like going on a holiday knowing that I will be back home one day, even though my home may not feeel the same way as I have left it on 20 sept 2009. Lessons have started and I am not too sure if i am saying it too early but I am glad i chose to study math, I really enjoyed the lectures even though we dont have notes and tutotirals are really difficult and I just got to DO IT cuz I dont know who to ask as of now...I still feeel surreal when I walked down gower street on thursday and trodded the many unfamiliar places around ucl. and I got 'scolded' for using a restricted entrance and took a longer way than usual:( I still cant believe I am starting school HERE, right here in these lecture theatres where blackboard and white chalk have yet to replace the sg kind of projectors and ppt slides. I Nor could I have imagined becoming a friend of a random professor who strike up a conversation with me at a random cafe on a rainy friday and brought me to the British Musuem to have a look. As I walk from lecture to lecture, class to class, I miss my oh-seven class dearly and I really miss my jaycee days enveloped in the spirit of that oh-so0roccking class of 07. I am still trying very hard to make intl friends ( and not acquaintances) and I will be patient... last friday's math bbq I met a german guy and another hongkie who I exchanged numbers with after toking beyond the ever so standard qns of where you from, what course you doing and where do you live. HA.I guess it all takes time but true friendships are worth the seek and wait:) Anyway I am goona join bridge, contact rugby and VSU (to befriend a refugee) and sg society is by deafult. informally i shall join hiking club to go for their adhocs trekking trips in europe:) Though I am SUPER annoyed that MODEL UN clashes with rugby. AND AND i decided to join rugby over ice hockey/skating, climbing cuz I really wanna try out a team sports rather than playing individual sportS? I guess I have neva imagined myself to play field sports and I am completely clueless about rugby just that the taster session made me give serious thought to it... AND i noe jinzhi dosent have ball sense... but if a blind man can paint the world, jinzhi will rock the field:) TRY LAH k? ANd I wanna see how shiong things can get cuz i dun wanna be too free given that i only have 3 x 365 x 24 x 3600 seconds here or rather less than that to try out a whole lot of stuffs. And its getting colder over heree! oh yeah on wed i played rugby in the rain with fbts and i was freezing so badly that my hand was still numb and frozen even after a shower in hot water=x It sucks to play outdoor sports hereeeee! so freezing cold and I refuse to wear longs ( i mean isnt it very disgusting when it gets wet and muddy??) and thus i decided to tahan the cold =p Received several emails, be it retrieved from the fb inbox or my jubjubteng, thanks for all that, i really appreciated them, lots and lots. and jon, i heard that you are still sick after so many weeks. TAKE CARE:) i dun wanna attend your funeral lah =x My hall is reallly homely, i have got a no. of COOL BROTHERS who does HTHT and poker every other night and cool people who care if others are settling in fine and even cooler people who make sure no one is being left out:) emo, at certain hours of the day, but knowing that you guys are there believing in me and remembering the little things that made me come thus far, I feeel warm inside and energised to live it well:) As i climb onto my lazy bed, take care peepx, I miss sg lots.! When I forgot why I lived.
I chanced upon this facebook quiz and one of the question was: What do you think about every morning and the options were: 1) yourself, 2) Making a difference 3) Hugs 4) Crazy adventures 5) What to do with your hair 6)Sombody else and I was stunned because I realise i think about what to wear and thus my ans was 1). What a great wake up call i felt.Drained by interactions with international students, exhausted by the never ending hanging out with random people and bothered by health and finances, I probably have lost the bigger picture in mind. And yes we (chaorong, royston and I) talked about big picture on our way back to college hall this evening. And today, I was moved by charissa's act of random kindness to leave a cupcake for jinkai who fell sick this afternoon and couldn join us at the walkabout. And as I thought about it, it does suck to fall sick at this time in this place (healthcare sucks here) and the power of friendship is probably the best medicine anyone can find here... yep, I FELT bad, seriously, I have forgotten to care for someone who stays just across the level and have helped in every subtle way in the college hall spirit... I forgot why I lived. "When we sense the identity between our personal energy and the energy in the collective universe, do we realise, joyfully,that our uniquely felt aliveness is the very same power that combusts the distant stars and rolls the wild waves"-David Richo. WICKED:)
Sharks. Is 1.21am and I cant seem to fall asleep. >.< and i have skipped almost a week of bfast cuz i cant wake up=( Anyway Steph is having her exam noww GOOD LUCK:) Had freshers fayre today and I signed up for like zillion things. (jinkai was saying for almost every thing he tried to key his name in, 'jinzhi" appears after he typed "jin") LOL so you can imagine how ENTHUSIASTIC I was lol. Okays preview of some of the clubs i joined--> Friends of palestine, Model UN, Conservative society, democrats, LGBT etc, Ultimate frisbee, Ice club, mountaineering, bridge, magic etc. OH and some of their flyers were dam amusing. SUPER until i cant stop luffinggggg. HAHA=p First 2 weeks, FOC--> of course try EVERYTHING right HAHAHA. tomorrow will be freshers fayre at ULU (university of london union) and i will probably join their harry potter club to watch a quidditch match? At night WE went to watch WICKED at apollo victoria theatre.. and i think the whole thing was quite amusing. It all started with syeyuet jio-ing me to go and watch it with her and andre and we wanted a mini kind of 'psc gathering' and I msged the other ucl-psc peepx and so during lunch, i shouted to jerik " eh going not" and guess wad, from TWO PEOPLE, it became TWENTY THREE plus TWO who went in the end.OMG it was SOOO FUNN! Yeah JINZHI's FIRST musical in london. Was really really awesome with vv touching scenes in the middle when the rain falls and a heart was broken AWWW! HAIZ. what a night with me sitting here blogging and feeling EMO after looking through photographs and the carefully written notes by my classmates and GUGU (my sisttter!)- your handwriting 18 yrs neva change de ley :) And I love jieying's quote " we are in london, live it" and we are all BROKE:(:( ARGH I MISS HOME even though i am not homesicked but still. BLEAHX. |